January 5, 2012 § Leave a comment
December 15, 2011 § Leave a comment
Between dining on low-fat cottage cheese for lunch for three days running, wrestling with sleep deprivation, receiving zero packages in the mail from Chicago/Columbia/NYU, trying without success to put the reigns on my emotional restlessness/overactive imagination, running myself ragged at work, and – this is the kicker – having all the emotional tumult I’ve been feeling lately dismissed by someone I care about as a load of “nothing”, this last week has been – how do I say this politely? – no fucking bueno, my friends. In fact, I reached the summit of no bueno yesterday when I opened a Doctors Without Borders mail package, read a few lines about war-ravaged refugees, and abruptly started sobbing while standing by myself in the cold, drafty kitchen of my house. (There, there, child.)
In more positive news, I read back into my files and was pleasantly surprised by well the writing for the debate teamsters piece has aged – it’s not-bad, even mildly witty. Scratch that – actually, I felt damned pleased with myself! You can never tell if it’s good when you’ve just written it and it’s too hot to touch closely. Bobby is back from Chicago, so I’ll be visiting him this weekend. I have plans to see an installment of The Moth Storyslam at the El Cid in January with friends. Housewarming party on the 23rd. Will I be my debilitatingly awkward self, or will I muster up the wherewithal to be a little brave?
Good things: Cutting a check to Doctors Without Borders. It felt good. Generally it feels good to give money away. I put the map they sent me up in my room — that felt nice too. John Updike’s incredibly luxuriant prose style – here is a dude who knew how to write a sentence, people. At the office tenant luncheon, a portly bespectacled lady playing these sexy shimmying holiday tunes on her violin. Laughing with B. on the phone about soccer players (“120′ – Robin Van Persie scores”). Porter Robinson’s Unison. Malefica. The high, coming off my 900 wds yesterday – reconnection with the material, the feeling of reacquiring your nimble fingers at the keyboard, hopeful smiles all around.
December 13, 2011 § Leave a comment
“I sat there with my eyes on a flower in the carpet, or I looked up at her and then again at the flower, and her own glance strayed about the room in that abstracted way a good housewife has of looking around to surprise a speck of dust in the act. We were saying things to each other all the while, but they were strained and difficult things, completely empty.
You meet somebody at the seashore on a vacation and have a wonderful time together. Or in a corner at a party, while the glasses clink and somebody beats on a piano, you talk with a stranger whose mind seems to whet and sharpen your own and with whom a wonderful new vista of ideas is spied.. Or you share some intense or painful experience with somebody, and discover a deep communion. Then afterward you are sure that when you meet again, the gay companion will give you the old gaiety, the brilliant stranger will stir your mind from its torpor, the sympathetic friend will solace you with the old communion of spirit. But something happens, or almost always happens, to the gaiety, the brilliance, the communion. You remember the individual words from the old language you spoke together, but you have forgotten the grammar. You remember the steps of the dance, but the music isn’t playing any more. So there you are.
So there we sat for a while, and the minutes sifted and wavered down around us, one by one, like leaves dropping in still autumn air. Then, after a space of silence, she excused herself and I was left alone to watch the leaves drift down.”
— Robert Penn Warren, All the King’s Men
December 9, 2011 § Leave a comment
Ack! I’ve been absent. Sorry. Here’s my schedule for the next two days:
Saturday: Volunteer! Watch El Clasico. I really hope that: Jose Mourinho pokes someone in the eye, increasing my enjoyment of the game by a factor of 167%/Zlatan appears to strike fear into the heart of Pep Guardiola in a giant hotdog costume/David Villa scores three times and tears the shirt off his body to celebrate this feat of valor, thereby setting everyone’s underpants ablaze/Xabi Alonso shakes his head in disgust at the limb-rending fracas on-going in the center of the pitch and retires from the match to pose for GQ and soberly ponder reruns of The Wire for the rest of his life/Madrid wins. Make some food (snickerdoodles? brownies? lunch next week?). Exercise by riding my bike over something unpaved, like my neighbor’s dog (just kidding). Write, you slob.
Sunday: City Lights cruise with friends! Forecast to involve chicken salad (ft. a few dehydrated raisins), dry white dinner rolls, cheap booze, uncurtailed vomiting.
I really want A Naked Singularity, by Sergio de la Pava. GENIUS 24YO LEGAL EAGLE + heist of the century?? + immigration + crime + boxing + damnation of systemic poverty = my tongue is lolling out the side of my mouth.
Thinking of getting the Toshiba Protege for Christmas.
EXERCISE, register to run, buy white elephant gift. XMAS GIFTS FOR BOBBY!! send ppl holiday cards (inc. sabina!). put together and mail package to esther!
December 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Sarajevo, 1914. Shortly before he is assassinated, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand finds the reception hall he is standing in crammed with the half-million beasts he has killed in his career as a hunter:
“One can conceive the space of this room stuffed all the way up to the crimson and gold vaults and stalactites with the furred and feathered ghosts, set close, because there were so many of them: stags with the air between their antlers stuffed with woodcock, quail, pheasant, partridge, capercaillie, and the like; boars standing bristling flank to flank, the breadth under their broad bellies packed with layer upon layer of hares and rabbits. Their animal eyes, clear and dark as water, would brightly watch the approach of their slayer to an end that exactly resembled their own.”
Extract from Rebecca West’s Black Lamb and Grey Falcon (with an assist from Geoff Dyer’s Guardian UK review of the same).
“… One can see that, far from enacting an easy ironic resignation, Dyer is really a late Romantic, a flâneur out of Rilke (but with a vinegary English dash of Kingsley Amis), eager to experience as much as possible, to travel and fall in love and meet new people, and wary of writing and reading, because, although they preserve such experience, they do so at a mimetic remove. The problem for the Romantic is that, in order to have anything to write about, he has to live—i.e., not be writing. Not for nothing is D. H. Lawrence, the savage pilgrim, Dyer’s great model.
So Dyer has spent much of his life on the move—London, Paris, Rome, Oxford, New Orleans, New York—and much of his best writing has been prompted by travel. He approaches this humorously in “Out of Sheer Rage,” but the English larkiness cannot obscure the intensity of the feeling. Once, he writes there, he found himself walking on a North London street, the road where Julian Barnes lived: “I didn’t see him but I knew that in one of these large, comfortable houses Julian Barnes was sitting at his desk, working, as he did every day. It seemed an intolerable waste of a life, of a writer’s life especially, to sit at a desk in this nice, dull street in north London. It seemed, curiously, a betrayal of the idea of the writer.” To spend one’s life writing is a betrayal of the writer’s life: Dyer knows this is a lunatic paradox, that even Romantics have to sit at boring desks and write, but he would rather have his battered paradox than Barnes’s clean coherence.
… This religious self-emptying might seem an unexpected turn in Dyer’s usually hilarious and worldly work. But in fact the metaphysics of boredom lead naturally to the metaphysics of shanti. In the earlier books, Dyer’s characters failed to write not because they were indifferent to writing but because they wanted too much to write. Negative liberty expresses a fear of completion; if you never start a work, then at least there is no chance of your having finished it. To complete something is in some ways to make it disappear; not starting it is a preëmptive strike against loss, a way of elegizing what has not yet disappeared. … Time is what completes us, and time is what forces us into the endless repetition that is boredom and the tyranny of habit. Travel, sex, and drugs—Dyer’s recurrent interests—are ways to cheat time, are moments out of time.”
Wait! There’s more!
“I am always on the edge of what I am doing. I do everything badly, sloppily, to get it over with so that I can get on to the next thing that I will do badly and sloppily so that I can then do nothing — which I do anxiously, distractedly, wondering all the time if there isn’t something else I should be getting on with. … When I’m working, I’m wishing I was doing nothing and when I’m doing nothing I’m wondering if I should be working. I hurry through what I’ve got to do and then, when I’ve got nothing to do, I keep glancing at the clock, wishing it was time to go out. Then, when I’m out, I’m wondering how long it will be before I’m back home.”
Geoff Dyer, in Out of Sheer Rage.
November 30, 2011 § Leave a comment
Repeated viewings of Kung Fu Panda and its assorted spinoffs and sequels.
Bobby singing to my cat. Then chasing after her with a giant red totebag. Then putting her in the totebag. Then pretending the totebag is a swing or a rollercoaster.
Cooked Thanksgiving dinner all through the day on Thursday. The eight pound hunk of prime rib came out livid red when we got a knife in it. As we cut it up the deep grooves of the wooden chopping board slowly filled with blood.
Furiously resentful of having to go to the L.A. Auto Show, even though I suggested it in the first place. I thought I could get into the hybrid display, learn a bit about smart cars and sit in one and pretend I lived in a teacup and hung my clothes on a rack made from a paperclip, but the whole thing was kind of gross. Fleshly proof of our status- and brand-obsessed society. And lightly flavored with sexism, if you’re into that kind of thing! They had skinny women in tight, bare-sleeved dresses and stiletto heels slink around their cars, voluptuously repeating marketing copy to assembling on-lookers. Multiple instances of hip swayage occurred. A dark-haired lady charged by me, pushing a baby in a stroller (I was reading a book on the floor, feeling rebellious and nonconformist and probably sourly muttering to myself about the paucity of public transportation options in the larger Los Angeles region). As she approached the display, she repeated the car name to her baby. “Look baby, it’s an Audi! An Audi!” OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. IT’S A HUNK OF EMBOSSED METAL. PS. YOU LIVE AN EMPTY LIFE.
Belascos on Sunday night: Drank too much. Instant awkwardness when friend P. introduced me to some dudely dudes, then immediately followed up with the statements “she’s really smart” and “she’s applying to law school”. “Oh…cool.” was the typical response, followed by a bout of oogling. I was thinking about this in relation to my friend C., who is the kind of vociferous, opinionated, and supremo-confident striver that, by opening her mouth, instantly distinguishes herself from others in a classroom. There’s the feeling there, shared by her, and I, that those qualities that enable her in particular and women in general to succeed professionally, are also ones that work against her (and women) in the romantic sphere. True? False? If I didn’t have B., for example, would dudes hear “law school” and flee in droves? Or am I just making excuses for my own ineptitude? It’s not like my life as it relates to other young people would be socially frictionless even if I didn’t go to X college. But I don’t think it helps. Sometimes I think that people think that I think I’m better than them, that I’m not conversing because I’m snobby, when really I’m having to wrestle and floor-pin the insecurities and fears that, to my eye, they overcame long ago.
(I remember B.’s friend, JK, a Singaporean transplant. When we visited over the summer he told us he was on OK Cupid. “Oh, definitely,” he said, when asked about his preferred girl, “She’s gotta be UCLA or Berkeley caliber.”)
But man, clubbing. I had one of those nights where keeping upright is a trial. Why do I do it? Sometimes it’s plain sordid. B. said he saw two girls rubbing each other between their legs in a circle of men. It’s fun to dance but I can’t separate my enjoyment of it from the uneasy feeling that the whole get-up is predatory and crass and an affront to feminism. And if you must ask, I keep repeating that because many things are.